| A SPECIAL INVESTIGATION:
WHY WEST COAST PIZZA TASTES LIKE CRAP - An Investigative Report From John Spaeth
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Reason #1: YOU CAN'T FOLD A SLICE IN ONE HAND BECAUSE NOBODY WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI KNOWS HOW TO BAKE A DECENT PIZZA CRUST. 
Fig. 1a:New York Slice Folding pressure is smooth, creating the all-important channel of hot pizza lipids to aid in easy mastication.
Fig. 1b: Seattle Slice
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Reason #2: HAM AND PINEAPPLE BELONG AT A LUAU AND NOT ON A F**KING PIZZA. 
Other ingredients which should NOT be on a pizza:
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Reason #3: BEER CHOICES AT RESTAURANTS: Standard West Coast selection: OVERPRICED OREGON MICROBREW WITH COFFEE BEANS..............$$$OVERPRICED WASHINGTON MICROBREW WITH BOYSENBERRIES..............$$$ OVERPRICED LIGHT BEER IMPORTED FROM HOLLAND..............$$$ Standard East Coast selection:
Enjoy
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| Reason #4: YOUR TYPICAL EAST COAST PIZZA MAKER VS. YOUR TYPICAL WEST COAST PIZZA MAKER:
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The Arts & Entertainment weekly in Eugene, Oregon regularly chooses LITTLE CAESAR'S as the best pizza in the area, proving that local legend Ken Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test did indeed have severe repercussions. 
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Reason #5: NO SELF-RESPECTING EAST COAST PIZZA SHOP OWNER WOULD TURN THEIR RESTAURANT INTO AN INTERNET CAFÉ. Somewhere in San Francisco: "This pizza is inedible, but the new Xena fan website is bitchin'!" 
As a transplanted East Coaster who has made his home on the Wrong Coast, I know more than anyone how the tranquility of a good slice simply doesn't exist here. Think about THAT the next time you complain about the grease on your pizza, and think about those less fortunate than you who have NO GREASE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AT ALL! |
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Crust is too damn thin and so overcooked as
to create a pizza/ matzo hybrid that would make even the least discriminating
rabbi exclaim...
"...Oy Vey! What did I do to deserve such a shitty slice?"
