Chicago
Andy: I'm a fan of the mid-period Afternoon Rock phase and the
elaborate album art that went with it. I also own the six-LP live Carnegie
Hall set, but never listened to it again after hearing how half-assedly
"I'm A Man" was performed. Check out their Behind The Music entry, it's
gold. Terry Kath can be seen in the surreal Electra Glide In Blue (1973),
where he blows a big hole in Robert Blake during the final scene. Insert
obvious joke.
Dave: Luckily they dropped the "Transit Authority" verbiage from their
first album to become eligible for our illustrious list. I am still
reeling from listening to Terry Kath's "Free Form Guitar" on side three of
their debut double platter. I swear to bejesus that it is the wildest
noise you will find in your dad's record collection.
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London
Andy:
This is going to give me fever dreams.
Dave:
Memorable only for their forgettable appearance in The Decline of Western
Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.
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Black Oak Arkansas
Andy:
Still playing out regionally. Jim Dandy can be regularly sighted at local
grocery stores and payphones.
Dave:
Black Oak Arkansas really took the whole place-as-name-as-music thing to a
whole new level when they offered (via their fan club) a chance to buy a
square inch of their eponymous musical commune. Just like Faust.
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Nazareth
Andy:
I have one significant problem with this band: The album covers during the
'70s profanely belied their blandness. I mean, LOOK AT THOSE
THINGS!!!! However, getting something as brazenly stupid/genius as "Hair
Of The Dog" on the radio has to be commended.
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Boston
Andy: Firmly atop the micro-genre of bands that were granted their
very own spaceships. Third Stage was a big album for me during
adolescence, so big that my first neighborhood neck session may have been
prepped with "Hollyann." You must give 'em credit for ignoring any and all
progressions on the popular music landscape! I guess that makes Third
Stage (1986) the very first '70s throwback album that wasn't on
SST. Here's to breaking ground!
Dave: I was captivated by the covers of their first couple of
records. The images of domed cities being transported by giant
guitar-shaped rockets redlined my preteen sensibilities. I was granted
epiphanies of nigh Blakeian proportions. There were eight years in between
Don't Look Back and Third Stage. What were they doing? Waiting for Thomas
Pynchon to write the fricking liner notes? Oh no, that was
already-forgotten alterna-dookies, Lotion.
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Kansas
Andy:
Have you ever paid a dollar for a Kansas record just to see what one of
those ten-minute tracks sounds like? I have, and I'll let you in on a
little something...
Dave:
When IBM transferred my stepdad to Wichita, I tried getting into these
white-bread pomp rockers, merely because I was "now a Kansan." But even at
ten years old I could tell that the way they tilted their heads and held
the headphones on one ear while on stage was unforgivably precious.
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U.K.
Andy:
Members of The Soft Machine, King Crimson, Yes, and Roxy Music team up in
1977 to create some seminal Post-Heyday Rock.
Dave:
They hold the distinction of being the most unlistenable band on this
list. When the keyboard noodles kick in, you are actually happy for a
brief respite from the atonal plodding. Horrible. Again with the incest
thing as they shared a member of Asia.
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Alabama
Andy:
The audio instruction manual for nylon jumpsuit removal.
Dave:
They are solely responsible for the pop commodification of country
music. Seemed to blend with the Oak Ridge Boys and the Statler Brothers in
an undifferentiated blur of beards, barbershop harmonies, and blandly
nostalgic odes to the antebellum status quo.
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New England
Andy:
A Paul Stanley production that sounds like Def Leppard, had they actually
hailed from the region immortalized in their tag. "Don't Ever Wanna Lose
Ya," from their first LP, is perfect - AOR Metal so catchy that you'll
swear that it was a hit, when it really wasn't.
Dave:
Like Kiss, Starz, and Angel, they were under the Machiavellian management
of Bill Aucoin. However, New England had more pop hooks than all of the
others combined. Of course, the vocals were fey and thin and the keyboards
were high in the mix. So maybe rockers got scared, but nonetheless, their
debut (1979) and their second album, Explorer Suite (1980), have more
poppy gems than your average Powerpearls comp. Their contemporary
sophisticated lyrics had more in common with Rupert Holmes and 10cc than
the junior-varsity arena rockers with whom they were often paired. Just to
show that the "Michener Rock" scene is just as incestuous as any other,
NE's keyboardist, Jimmy Waldo, later joined Alcatrazz. If anything, you
must take a gander at the hair of drummer Hirsh Gardner-a poodlesque coif
deserving of its own zip code and ecosystem.
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Japan
Andy:
Never really been able to stomach ol' Sylvian. Horrible album covers.
Dave:
Even during a recent, intense five-day period where I was into all things
New Romantic, I was unable to step to this tuneless, antiseptic
offal. David Sylvian's flat delivery makes even the distanced romanticism
of Brian Ferry seem vulnerable and warm.
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Berlin
Andy:
I wonder where I would be if I sold coke to Don Simpson's maid.
Dave:
Around my cul-de-sac, Berlin was like the aural equivalent of Cinemax
After-Dark. Glossy, MOR eroticism. Lead singer, Terri Nunn, is credited on
Pleasure Victim for vocals and BJs. No joke.
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Asia
Andy:
By far the most listenable Yes side project. They had the hooks, the
split-screen videos, and Roger Dean popping back up with some very
confusing "Loch Ness Monster meets a Sea World, Three In The Afternoon
Performance In The Harbor Of Future Town" graphics.
Dave:
The ultimate prog-lite outfit. Take one part King Crimson, two parts Yes,
a Buggle, and a Palmer (yes that fucking Palmer) and simmer... but not for
too long now. They quickly realized that FM stations were not going to get
in bed with an 18-minute "Ode to Cartological Majesty on the Outer Reaches
of Io." They boiled off all the excess instrumental onanism and reduced
everything to the "Heat of the Moment." Around three and half
minutes-about the exact length of time it takes for Carl Palmer's floating
drum kit to rotate a full 360 degrees.
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Boulder
Andy:
There was one of these in the '70s, who really were from Colorado, but we
shall attempt a two-sentence look at the topical irony-metal namesakes,
who may actually be named after a big rock, I dunno. I wish that all of
the Crusty-Into-Metal evolutions sounded this good.
Dave:
Once on Mork and Mindy, during the finale, there's two minutes where Mork
talks to Orson about his mission. Orson throws a giant
papier-mache
boulder at Mork; once he dodges it, he tells Orson, "It's a good thing I
didn't land in Buffalo." I mention this because I was just reminded that
we have left off the '70s ur-butt rockers from Australia, Buffalo,
(Volcano Rock) who in their own way, share a lot with the current buckeye
metallians, Boulder. By the way, I found Boulder's
Ravage and Savage
to be one of the most ball-blistering platters of last year. Highly
recommended.
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Nantucket
Andy:
A glance at this band's line-up reveals members with names such as Thumbs
Johnson and Pee Wee Watson. My work is done here.
Dave:
First saw these jokers in the local bin of a North Carolina record
shop. It seems that they are a bit geographically confused. They are
wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the words, "South Carolina," they have a
song called "California," and found a way to effortlessly combine east
coast yoni-magnet balladry with warmed over rust belt boogie. Notable for
having a GIANT lobster on the cover of their self-titled debut. However,
by the time of the mediocre sophomore effort, the mascot was
emasculatingly reduced to an inch-high crustacean-man. The only rock and
roll aspect of this band (besides the giant lobster) is that their name
rhymes with "Fuck It!"
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